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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Bigfoot: A dissertation on why I'm a 9-year-old in my head

Let's get a few things straight up front.

I don't believe in UFO Conspiracies. Roswell has a logical explanation (Project Mogul if you're interested). Besides, the government can't even run a war without screwing things up and leaking information everywhere. There's no way they could consistently cover up something as big as having UFOs in a hangar somewhere.

I don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster. That lake has been sonar scanned to death and it's just not possible for a dinosaur to live off the amount of food living in it. That Scots are seeing monsters in lakes does not surprise me one bit given the potency of their fine, fine whiskeys.

Fairies, elves, 50-foot snakes, honest politicians, the right of pre-emptive war, giant spiders, trolls, etc. are all completely ridiculous and there's no way in hell they exist.

However... I think Bigfoot is real. So is Mokele Mbembe if you're wondering.

Why do I think this?

Well because scientifically, they haven't been completely ruled out yet. That means that technically it's still possible that they exist and honestly, that's enough for me.

Now, that may not seem important to you, but to me it's more important than almost anything else! You see, one of the things that I'm personally conflicted over is reconciling my need to absorb as much information as possible with my desire to still live in a world where there is at least some sense of mystery.

So I believe Bigfoot is real because I want to believe it's real.

When I was a kid (in the 1970s for those keeping score) Bigfoot went nationwide as a phenomenon. Sightings were in the papers, books were written and were best sellers, people I knew in Florida swore to me that they'd seen similar things in the swamps when hunting. All of this sparked my imagination like nothing else. It didn't matter if everyone was lying or not. The fact was, I thought there was something out there that was new and undiscovered and it consumed me.

There's a lot of unspoiled wilderness still left out there. There are plenty
of places where people still say they've encountered something they can't explain and there are plenty of scientists who, while stating they don't actually believe Bigfoot exists, do concede that if it did exist, it would be able to survive in these areas.

The thought that something that big could remain undiscovered in the age of satellite imagery, laser beams and internet pornography really sparks my inner 9-year-old.

Which is exactly why I think it's imperative that a small group of us go looking for it.

Let me explain myself. There are all kinds of people out there who are looking to find this thing for all the wrong reasons. My favorite to read about can be found at . Here's a link to a sighting just this past November that takes place mere miles from where I grew up. It's all very matter of fact, claims are properly investigated and the research is scientifically founded, but they rarely come up with anything beyond footprints and they only occasionally get those.

While I admire their dedication, there's no way I'd go out with them to look for one of these things. Mainly because they're way too serious and honestly, a little on the douchey side.

I want to reiterate that I'm not in this to bring back physical proof of bigfoot and make a name for myself. I just want to see one, hopefully while sober and then walk away. That's why I'm proposing a full on expedition by complete amateurs who only want to hike, camp and have fun... but just do it in an area where people have seen Bigfoot.

You see, I have a theory. After reading multiple accounts of sightings, I've come to the conclusion that if we act like we don't want to see one, apparently we'll be partying with them in no time. Once that happens, we can offer them a couple of drinks, maybe trade funny stories about scaring the shit out of campers and then they go their way and we can head back to civilization.

It's essentially a foolproof plan and as you can see, I've put a ton of thought into it.

There are a number of places we can go if we want to find some of these things, including northern California, Washington, Texas and Arkansas. There's even that kickass fish camp up in Canada that Monsterquest spent time at. That place is practically crawling with them but it's hard to get to.

I'm inclined to want to go somewhere here on the West Coast but that's because it's easier for me, but I'm open to suggestions.

What's important is that we go, we bring along what we need for a three or four day trip and we bring along whatever substances may be needed to help us find bigfoot.

If you're concerned about undertaking such an endeavour in these uncertain times, consider it a health trip. You will feel invigorated, refreshed and have a renewed sense of purpose once you've gone on such a quest. I speak from firsthand knowledge. Just read the post on the great white shark trip . I'm still getting occasional tingles thinking about that one... at least I hope that's what's making me tingle.

Either way, who's with me? Let's do this thing in 2009!